In the wake of Alan’s departure, I find myself grappling with the profound impact of the letters he left behind—a heartbreaking testament to the struggles he faced in silence. Each word, etched with the weight of his pain, revealed a depth of despair I never fathomed.

Alan’s letters, a poignant farewell, conveyed a message of love, regret, and an intricate tapestry of emotions. He reassured us that his decision was not borne from blame or regret, hoping to free us from the burdens of guilt, but that burden still stings me to my soul.

His words unveiled a truth I never saw: that our friendship and the collective journey through our battles with depression were one of the reasons he clung to life for as long as he did.

In his letters, Alan expressed unwavering belief in me and my potential for greatness. He believed I would become a bright shining star, a sentiment that fills my heart with both sorrow and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. He lamented that he wouldn’t be here to witness the journey, but his belief in my future success became a poignant anchor amid the storm of emotions.

Alan shared that the pain he carried from this world was a weight too heavy for him to bear, leading him into the embrace of the unknown. He left with the knowledge that I, and the rest of our friends, would carry forward his memory, and the love he imparted upon us, into the future. His letters, a testament to his courage and the depth of his love, are now cherished reminders of the complex beauty that was Alan.

As I navigate the aftermath of his departure, I carry the weight of his words and the responsibility of his belief in my future. Alan may not physically walk this journey with me, but his spirit, love, and the echoes of his letters will remain etched in my heart—a guiding light in the darkness of this profound loss.

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, please be there for them. If you know someone who is considering ending their own life, please find them help. In the United States, the number for the Suicide Prevention line is 988. It is free and confidential. You can call or text. If you visit https://988lifeline.org/, you can chat with someone who can help.